If you are listening to this recording… Congratulations, I would like to personally applaud you for discovering our secret message. Unfortunately, you are already too late; SNAKE’s plan has been set in motion and Walt Whitman and his “poems” are well on their way to being wiped from human memory! Now, before we get to your predictable despair, you must have so many questions! You are probably curious why someone would go to such great lengths and spend such ridiculous amounts of money and time to eliminate a pathetic poet and his work from the world?”
Well… if you must know…Walt Whitman is not just a poet, oh no, he is a symbol of the rot and decay which is destroying the very fabric of our country. He is the epicenter of the self-absorbed American ego and the belief that everything about our meaningless lives is worth cataloging, every moment so important that we have to take a “selfie” to share it. Look at me! Look at my salad! Look at my baby drool! Enough! It was Whitman, the patron saint of loafing, that sent us down this road, and it is his slacker manifesto, Leaves of Grass, that continues to encourage the lazy masses to daydream their lives away.
The time has finally come for SNAKE to stir our stagnating society from its slumber, to steer our ship in a new direction. With all first editions of Leaves of Grass in our possession, we now hold the root of this foul weed firmly in our grasp, we control the source material and can now revise history.
Let me ask you, how long does it take for a man’s words to be forgotten? Forget a book, how long would it take for just one poem to fade into the recesses of human memory? Could you remember every line to preserve it perfectly? Now, I’m sure you are saying to yourself, “I don’t have to memorize a poem, they’re all online!” True, but we have become far too reliant on the Internet to remember everything for us, we just digitize it and forget it, trusting it will always be there when we need it. The Mower Virus has been programmed to remove just a sliver of insignificant data from this overgrown field, and with it gone, we simply need to sit back and let the atrophied memory-span of the general public take care of the rest! In short time, Whitman’s words will be forgotten, his message will lose its potency, and we will replace it with our own.
The grass has grown high around us friends, but thankfully SNAKE has arrived, to tend to the garden and to restore us to the path of righteousness. Whitman is just the start of our conquest, others will follow, falling in the arc of our scythe.
(Maniacal laughter) now, cue your despair!